Past. Such a small word.
But has many aspects with it.
I remember all the things I have done. I remember which were nice and which were not quite so nice. There is certain thing that I want to share.
When I spoke with a girl. She spoke with me. But after few months, I never spoke with her again. This is something I still regret. This is story about 7 years ago.
I was very young. Looked very handsome. I was immature. But that was before I was crazy. I was paranoid schizophrenic for nearly 6 years of my life. This disease changed my life, my feelings, my thinking, my behavior. What it could not change was my love. I have been loving same girl since I first felt she is the one I want to share my life with. I knew she loved me. But there were such conditions, till the end of our classes (last time we met) that I couldnt talk with her. I used to hear voices.
There were two kinds of voices I heard. One, terrifying. Second, petrifying. Voices told me that they will hurt her, they will hurt her mother. If I argued, they said more furious things. I wanted to stop all the things. I wanted to love her. But voices said, if I loved her, they will hurt her family, they will hurt my family. I never wanted them to hurt anybody, so I listened to voices.
The last day of our class, she was waiting for me near the parking area, then I heard voices saying, if I talk with her today, they will hurt her family. I wanted to talk with her, but I couldnt. I noticed, she was looking at me. But I avoided to see her. She didnt like, me not noticing her. She was disappointed with me. She was angry, she left for her home. Importantly, she was safe and she was going to be home safe. I was standing there, feeling sorry for myself, arguing what I did was wrong. I was feeling as if there was no food but I should vomit. During my fight with this disease, feeling of emptiness expanded gradually.
Well, I have won the fight. But the war against me is lost. I no more know their family. Their family's lives were changing. Their family's lives are changed.
I am far away from the future I expected. My brother hates me for not being with him. As I was busy fighting with this disease.
There were only two people I loved most. One my brother. Second my girl friend. When I realize I cannot have the future I wanted, it really hurts.
Now that I am perfectly well, far away from my disease, I am far away from my imagined family.
It hurts and I dont know what will ease this cut in me. It bleeds sometimes, it pains sometimes. But I need to move on. I need to know they are happy. Their family is happy. My brother needs me. Their family does not need me.
