Unforgettable realization.

Past. Such a small word.
But has many aspects with it.
I remember all the things I have done. I remember which were nice and which were not quite so nice. There is certain thing that I want to share.
When I spoke with a girl. She spoke with me. But after few months, I never spoke with her again. This is something I still regret. This is story about 7 years ago.
I was very young. Looked very handsome. I was immature. But that was before I was crazy. I was paranoid schizophrenic for nearly 6 years of my life. This disease changed my life, my feelings, my thinking, my behavior. What it could not change was my love. I have been loving same girl since I first felt she is the one I want to share my life with. I knew she loved me. But there were such conditions, till the end of our classes (last time we met) that I couldnt talk with her. I used to hear voices.

There were two kinds of voices I heard. One, terrifying. Second, petrifying. Voices told me that they will hurt her, they will hurt her mother. If I argued, they said more furious things. I wanted to stop all the things. I wanted to love her. But voices said, if I loved her, they will hurt her family, they will hurt my family. I never wanted them to hurt anybody, so I listened to voices.

The last day of our class, she was waiting for me near the parking area, then I heard voices saying, if I talk with her today, they will hurt her family. I wanted to talk with her, but I couldnt. I noticed, she was looking at me. But I avoided to see her. She didnt like, me not noticing her. She was disappointed with me. She was angry, she left for her home. Importantly, she was safe and she was going to be home safe. I was standing there, feeling sorry for myself, arguing what I did was wrong. I was feeling as if there was no food but I should vomit. During my fight with this disease, feeling of emptiness expanded gradually.

Well, I have won the fight. But the war against me is lost. I no more know their family. Their family's lives were changing. Their family's lives are changed.

I am far away from the future I expected. My brother hates me for not being with him. As I was busy fighting with this disease.

There were only two people I loved most. One my brother. Second my girl friend. When I realize I cannot have the future I wanted, it really hurts.

Now that I am perfectly well, far away from my disease, I am far away from my imagined family.

It hurts and I dont know what will ease this cut in me. It bleeds sometimes, it pains sometimes. But I need to move on. I need to know they are happy. Their family is happy. My brother needs me. Their family does not need me.

Truth

I have a very strange habit of remembering all the firsts in my life. I never knew I had this habit, but still, had it. I am doing this since my childhood, may be. Although now, it sometimes appear very meaningless to me, I find it happier when I remember those things. They are not necessarily good in my life, some firsts are nightmares; but still it reminds me I have been through it. And if I have been through it earlier, may be I can handle it even now.

But there are very rare things in my life that happened second time, and I find them worth re-living in my mind. Out of those, one I remind myself often is my second time I talked to a girl and that girl talked to me. Truly speaking, I spoke with many other girls before that experience but this experience changed my life. This was about five years ago.

I read somewhere that talking with girls was a good way of getting away fear of speaking. I used to speak less. There are two main reason, people speak less. One, they know too much. Second, they don’t know much and fear people will find out they are dumb. I was more of the second type. Then, of course, there are other reasons like people find it cool (may be like Malfoy’s father especially when speaking to Harry), people want to observe things around them (may be like Underdogs in Rodies), people are having a hard time (may be like Amar in Dasvidaniya), etc. I have been through all these reasons. But at that time, five years ago, I was more of second main reason.

After few days, I had my Biology class (Not very unique thing to mention, I had it Thursdays to Saturdays). Fed up with everyone’s saying I don’t know how to talk with people I decided I will speak with first girl that enters the class. For that, I was in the class early. Everyone at home around me used to say, I don’t know how to speak; my answer used to be “you select a language and speak, which part am I not doing?” They used to say, you have to listen to what they are not saying. You have to think what they are trying to say. You have to recognize where they are trying to lead the topic of discussion. Still I never made a perfect talk they wanted.

Well, she entered the class room. I used to sit in the front rows. But it was a special occasion, so I sat in the middle row. Even to movies, I prefer front seats. Everything appears big and clear. She was more to the balcony of the class. As I was seating on mid-right of columns of benches (where boys used to sit) and she was on the left (where girls used to talk); left and right divided by pavement for our teacher, I turned my head, 8’o clock. And then I saw her, but immediately looked at the black-board (which was white in colour). Just to make sure, is this what I want to do. I said a terrified yes to myself, turned my head again and spoke. It was something related to studies. Then she said something. And then I said something. I was more terrified when we were talking continuously. This was rare thing to happen, as when I speak, people look here and there, watch their watch and then say I have to go or they are busy.

Honestly, I don’t remember each thing she said but I remember she was nice to me. Rare. My head was 12’o clock now. By both the meanings (pathetic sense of joking, but bear it). Then my Godly voice said I have done something wrong. I am supposed to study, not do time pass. Now I have to face the consequences. That was the first time; I thought I was not speaking with myself. That voice was so terrifying. As if some one else was actually telling something wrong would happen.

Any way, after some days, I saw her again. By this time, I had a sense of thank-you for her. She helped me get over my fear, though it was for one day but she helped. Fear of speaking. I can give other details as well but I think this blog is getting bigger. I saw her. And I was very happy. As she was parking her Pep in the parking area of Physics class, I saw a group of boys telling him to speak to her (which more appeared as if they were asking him to propose her). I saw the danger, and moved quickly towards her and started speaking. I, even now, cannot describe why I did that. May be fear of losing some one I can talk to. Or may be its men instinct.

We were walking and talking. Rare part was I was talking to a girl in public. Very rare (five years ago). I was filled with sense of something good. May be it was responsibility. We entered the building and then I realized it was our test. I didn’t know how to stop her talking. Telling her I want to study, let me study was not a nice idea, as people usually laugh at the person wanting so. But I wanted to study. Else there would have been zeroes in the mark-sheet. And more of “yelling”. So I stopped talking all of a sudden. When I sat for the test, the questions were alien. So I asked myself, whatever I did in the parking, is that really going to help me. I answered how I can know. May be it will help and I will be able to speak. But I was happy that she talked with me. That too nicely, again.

After few waste-of-time attempts with the alien questions, I left the class room. In my wonder, even she left the class and there she was. I was feeling a happier than earlier. That was the extreme limit to my happiness. May be even she did not studied. We spoke something. Then she raised her hand and re-decorated her hair. I don’t know why I felt I should look down. And as I thought, it really meant something. She looked me with pity, but good pity. We talked and left the building. She left with her Pep. I was there, in the parking, waiting, trying to reduce my happiness meter to normal. After all, I had my Maths class.

This was one of the seconds I love. But it’s 2009. People change. I realized something; I was kind of in my own world at that time. After few years, with cruel people whose even “voices” appear unbearable, I know how things work in the real world. What people say and what they really mean. How talking to people and being in the network is important.

There were many times, when I saw her. Like in the party for the guys who did good in Physics. Near the parking area of Biology class. Many things happened and I changed. Changed so much that I was unable to talk with that girl again.

And some day, I want to thank that lady. Because it was after I violated God’s rule. God became cruel and I became tougher. May that girl find some perfect guy and may she be always happy. I pray she should find some one who will like seeing her smile. Who will do anything for her. Who will make her smile. Etc. Etc. You know rest of the things. But as I know, I could have never been what she needed. She deserves better. And a nice-normal friend, as I consider myself highly abnormal. She too, will find someone who will make her happiness meter always full. Thank You, Mam. Wherever you are. Be happy. I wanted to see you happy again. May be I will see you happy again.

Every Cloud Has Something With It.

On 14^th Oct, I was awake and it was near about 1:30 A.M.; reading some month’s Reader’s Digest. Everyone in the house was sleeping; preparing themselves for next day. I was reading something about “being our own Life Coach”. It was more of career oriented article. I started thinking about these guys.

My father, a very strict kind of person, who is a successful manager in bank who came from a very small village, is suffering from many aches. Back ache. Head ache. Leg ache. He generally is not as involved as my mother in the ‘house-crisis” matters like there is no dal for tomorrow.

My mother is a very over-reactive, suspicious, highly criticism sensitive, sentimental kind of person. Probably, raised in a very very very strict environment. She is a lawyer but does not practice. She is Scorpion, on the way. She has some spondilysis (may be it is spelled that way).

I have elder brother, who does not live with us, as he is doing some pilot exam thing. He is pilot and is waiting for some document. We hardly talk openly. After few months, he will be flying high, up above in the sky (rhymes, he he). He has some leg pain. The one cricketers have while playing on the ground.

I have trouble who studies in class IX. He is my younger brother. Always ready to play anything. God, I get so tired. He is cool and speaks less as me, but only when with friends. Else he is highly explosive material. One wrong answer, “uh oh, wrong answer, buzz, ka-boom”. If he wants something, he will make 10 people work for it. He too, has some problem in the region of neck and leg.

There is a reason I explained everyone qualification with their pains. Everytime I look at these people, their pain appears to me. Every now and then, I think what I can do to help them. My house is not a happy home.

Getting back to the point, I was reading things about “being our own Life Coach”. After reading it, I was feeling high spirited for my career. But then started thinking about the coaches who live with us. Our parents. They always want nothing but best for us. If not best then good. They tell us to sleep properly, they tell us to brush properly, they tell us to eat nice “diet” food which is full of heap of vegetables, etc.

Even though, my two coaches were always busy with something else; I cannot agree they never did their fundamental duties. They raised me till a point where I can think and learn. And that was done with few problems. But it was done.

They say, whatever happens to us happens because we are letting it happen. Either aware or unaware.

After five years, I see myself as a manager and earning one month at a time.

I always remember this story my friend’s neighbor, Mr. Something-whose-name-I-don’t-remember (let’s call him Signore X), told my friend. “He used to plant a plant and then not gave them water properly for first few days. Reason, he said, was plants will find moisture on their own and will help themselves with stronger and deeper roots. They will grow their roots in search for moisture. But if everything is perfect for these plants; water, fertilizer, sunlight, water, pesticide… how they will become strong.”

It is still amazingly weird to me, how quickly we learn from other people’s experiences. My friend’s neighbor told this story to my friend, but I learned it more than he did.

Well, they truly said, “We want what others have.”

There, I was still awake, those people were still sleeping. These coaches taught me whatever they could; now it was my turn to coach myself with little help from God who listens to me now-a-days. Tough guy but sweet.

Praying happiness

I have a friend. His name is Mumu. We call him Mumu. Nobody knows his real name. We studied together, in Nagpur (India), Biology. It was after many years, we met again. After I heard his story about his past, I was amazed of his existence. He loved a girl when he was in 12^th. He never spoke to her unless it was unavoidable. But yet he some how was always eager to see her just for once. I used to be with him. Outside tuitions. There. Waiting for her. So he can see her just one more time. I always told him, what he was doing was worth less. But he insisted, he just wants to see her.

He wasn’t very close to other guys, but I knew nobody would be his buddy. He used to talk less. All I knew about his family was that his family was disturbed. They used to quarrel a lot. But he some how, found happiness with himself. He used to say I love to smile.

After we completed our 12^th, I went to Pune (some where in Maharasthra, India), for my B.E. then never heard from him. It was as good as I forgot him. But one day, I saw him. By that time, we were graduates. He did B.Sc. in Biotechnology. And was working some where. It was then, when he told me about his past, which I could not figure out when it our present. He still loved that girl.

He said, when we were studying, he was suffering from some auditory hallucination. This is something in which person hears terrifying voices. He told, they used to tell him to do things like don’t talk to someone, don’t sit here, don’t sit there, etc. But he appeared very normal. He said, they okayed him being my friend, as I was worthless, (that is what those voices told, basterds). But as we talked more, I discovered, it was after he started loving that girl, his voices opposed him aggressively.

He used to follow “old things” which said, one should respect women, old people, love country, and such things. When he saw her and decided to love her, he was offending one of the prime “thing”, ‘you should work hard for your future and fall in love later’.

But yet, he decided to love her. Because he loved her. And it made him happy when he thought about her. He knew some how, even she loved him.

It was not that the entire “hallucination thing” started all of a sudden. He used to hear voices since his childhood. Since, his childhood, he said, he believed in God. Whenever he faced any problem, he asked God to help him out. He prayed God that he should pass in Maths exams, his teacher should not scold him today for not doing home work, and such things. God used to tell me what to do, he said sadly. But when time came to love her, he was going against God teaching. Sooner, God’s voice became people’s voices. (“As he communicates through nature”) And then everyone’s voices became aggressive. Though he said it was a gradual process.

Those voices told him, they are capable of harming people. People he loved and cared about. “If you ever speak to her, we will harm her. We will do wrong things to your parents.” And, so, he used to listen to those voices. He did whatever those voices told him to do. Though his family was disturbed, he loved his younger brother. He loved “Finding Nemo”. (If you have seen it, you will know what I am trying to say). Those voices terrified him by saying worst things about her and his brother.

And because of this, his performance decreased. His health was pathetic. He was hardly living, he was dead.

He used his many years, to understand auditory hallucination, read many articles regarding this disease and found a cure for all those terrifying voices.

I am amazed by his efforts done for being normal. But I am touched by his love. He still loves her. “And want to love her till he can remember being alive.” His words, not mine. I found his love kind of childish. I mean, he saw her, he hardly knew her. He never knew her past or parents. But he used to say, I think I will always love this girl, before 5 years. And he is keeping that promise.

But here is the confusing part, those voices told him, she loved him, too. If he stays away from her, they will end up being together. He again did what those voices told.

But this is the most critical part; he never spoke with her when she was trying to speak. He started avoiding her. Even the last day of his Biology class, she was waiting for him, on the parking road. It was her birthday. Sunday. But he listened to those voices and avoided her. He said, he was so eager to wish her, but they said, they will hurt her if he spoke.

What this fellow was concerned about was, (rather he was afraid) what is she starts thinking all boys are same and want the same thing. Well, checking correctness, really all boys are same, they have to be same. But this boy, he begged to differ, he really loved her.

He knows she will never love him, now that he killed each voice. But his concern, still is, (and as he says will be) will she be happy? Whenever he looked at her, he saw her smile. He saw how beautiful she was. She made him happy. And he thinks if she makes him happy, why he should make her unhappy, by telling her he still loves her. All he wanted now was that, she should be happy. Because if she was happy somewhere, he would have a reason to be happy. It didn’t mattered, whether she loved him or not. He just prays, she should be happy and should find her true love which he emphasizes to be nice and caring. Well, he said, he is normal and can pray to same God which once was cruel.

He was so sorry, he never spoke to her. He never meant to break her heart.

When I said, you fool, you can tell her now what happened. He said, I know it is hard to wait for some idiot who hardly speaks. That too for 5 years. She might have moved on. All I want is she should be happy. And you know what, I will never ever come in her way if that is disturbing her. I just want her to be happy. If she say to forget her, even once, I will forget her forever. I know she will make a good decision. And, any way, you know about my family. I don’t want her to be unhappy with them. The love I can feel is of hers and my brother’s. But the only love I can see now is my brother. I want to do all things I can do for him. Yet, I think I will always love her. Even after some 40-50 years. I asked what after that. He said with a smile, I probably will die. We laughed. I said, “Yes, you do that. Any how I will need some one to play cards in hell.”

He answered a call, said it was urgent and went. I asked myself, is that love normal? We often speak, but not about his love life. Because I know he will always be happy with the love he has.