Truth

I have a very strange habit of remembering all the firsts in my life. I never knew I had this habit, but still, had it. I am doing this since my childhood, may be. Although now, it sometimes appear very meaningless to me, I find it happier when I remember those things. They are not necessarily good in my life, some firsts are nightmares; but still it reminds me I have been through it. And if I have been through it earlier, may be I can handle it even now.

But there are very rare things in my life that happened second time, and I find them worth re-living in my mind. Out of those, one I remind myself often is my second time I talked to a girl and that girl talked to me. Truly speaking, I spoke with many other girls before that experience but this experience changed my life. This was about five years ago.

I read somewhere that talking with girls was a good way of getting away fear of speaking. I used to speak less. There are two main reason, people speak less. One, they know too much. Second, they don’t know much and fear people will find out they are dumb. I was more of the second type. Then, of course, there are other reasons like people find it cool (may be like Malfoy’s father especially when speaking to Harry), people want to observe things around them (may be like Underdogs in Rodies), people are having a hard time (may be like Amar in Dasvidaniya), etc. I have been through all these reasons. But at that time, five years ago, I was more of second main reason.

After few days, I had my Biology class (Not very unique thing to mention, I had it Thursdays to Saturdays). Fed up with everyone’s saying I don’t know how to talk with people I decided I will speak with first girl that enters the class. For that, I was in the class early. Everyone at home around me used to say, I don’t know how to speak; my answer used to be “you select a language and speak, which part am I not doing?” They used to say, you have to listen to what they are not saying. You have to think what they are trying to say. You have to recognize where they are trying to lead the topic of discussion. Still I never made a perfect talk they wanted.

Well, she entered the class room. I used to sit in the front rows. But it was a special occasion, so I sat in the middle row. Even to movies, I prefer front seats. Everything appears big and clear. She was more to the balcony of the class. As I was seating on mid-right of columns of benches (where boys used to sit) and she was on the left (where girls used to talk); left and right divided by pavement for our teacher, I turned my head, 8’o clock. And then I saw her, but immediately looked at the black-board (which was white in colour). Just to make sure, is this what I want to do. I said a terrified yes to myself, turned my head again and spoke. It was something related to studies. Then she said something. And then I said something. I was more terrified when we were talking continuously. This was rare thing to happen, as when I speak, people look here and there, watch their watch and then say I have to go or they are busy.

Honestly, I don’t remember each thing she said but I remember she was nice to me. Rare. My head was 12’o clock now. By both the meanings (pathetic sense of joking, but bear it). Then my Godly voice said I have done something wrong. I am supposed to study, not do time pass. Now I have to face the consequences. That was the first time; I thought I was not speaking with myself. That voice was so terrifying. As if some one else was actually telling something wrong would happen.

Any way, after some days, I saw her again. By this time, I had a sense of thank-you for her. She helped me get over my fear, though it was for one day but she helped. Fear of speaking. I can give other details as well but I think this blog is getting bigger. I saw her. And I was very happy. As she was parking her Pep in the parking area of Physics class, I saw a group of boys telling him to speak to her (which more appeared as if they were asking him to propose her). I saw the danger, and moved quickly towards her and started speaking. I, even now, cannot describe why I did that. May be fear of losing some one I can talk to. Or may be its men instinct.

We were walking and talking. Rare part was I was talking to a girl in public. Very rare (five years ago). I was filled with sense of something good. May be it was responsibility. We entered the building and then I realized it was our test. I didn’t know how to stop her talking. Telling her I want to study, let me study was not a nice idea, as people usually laugh at the person wanting so. But I wanted to study. Else there would have been zeroes in the mark-sheet. And more of “yelling”. So I stopped talking all of a sudden. When I sat for the test, the questions were alien. So I asked myself, whatever I did in the parking, is that really going to help me. I answered how I can know. May be it will help and I will be able to speak. But I was happy that she talked with me. That too nicely, again.

After few waste-of-time attempts with the alien questions, I left the class room. In my wonder, even she left the class and there she was. I was feeling a happier than earlier. That was the extreme limit to my happiness. May be even she did not studied. We spoke something. Then she raised her hand and re-decorated her hair. I don’t know why I felt I should look down. And as I thought, it really meant something. She looked me with pity, but good pity. We talked and left the building. She left with her Pep. I was there, in the parking, waiting, trying to reduce my happiness meter to normal. After all, I had my Maths class.

This was one of the seconds I love. But it’s 2009. People change. I realized something; I was kind of in my own world at that time. After few years, with cruel people whose even “voices” appear unbearable, I know how things work in the real world. What people say and what they really mean. How talking to people and being in the network is important.

There were many times, when I saw her. Like in the party for the guys who did good in Physics. Near the parking area of Biology class. Many things happened and I changed. Changed so much that I was unable to talk with that girl again.

And some day, I want to thank that lady. Because it was after I violated God’s rule. God became cruel and I became tougher. May that girl find some perfect guy and may she be always happy. I pray she should find some one who will like seeing her smile. Who will do anything for her. Who will make her smile. Etc. Etc. You know rest of the things. But as I know, I could have never been what she needed. She deserves better. And a nice-normal friend, as I consider myself highly abnormal. She too, will find someone who will make her happiness meter always full. Thank You, Mam. Wherever you are. Be happy. I wanted to see you happy again. May be I will see you happy again.